I stared at that stick for a solid minute before I finally smiled.
I was on my way to the airport to pick up Michael when I found out our lives were about to change forever. He had been gone for over a week on his work trip to Italy. On my drive there, I had a hunch that I might be pregnant, but that wasn’t a new feeling. I had gotten my hopes up many times before with that same “hunch”…only to be disappointed month after month. But I decided to stop at the store anyway just to be sure.
Well, sure enough.
I will never forget the look on Michael’s face and the tears of joy we shared.
I will never forget how completely blissful everything seemed.
I will never forget the fun of keeping “our little secret” from our family and friends until we were ready to share.
I will never forget standing in the baby aisle of Kroger trying to pick out the first onesie I would buy for you.
Watching you up on the screen move around my uterus like a snug bug under a rug will forever be ingrained in my memory.
Feeling your baby kicks for the first time felt like the butterflies inside of me were bursting at the seams.
And all of this, my baby love, is just the beginning.
I don’t know how the rest of this pregnancy will go. I don’t know if you will decide to come into this world early or late. I don’t know if you will be a boy or a girl (by choice- we want to experience the true surprise of finding out on delivery day). I don’t know if you will be the healthy, happy little bug I pray every single day you will be. But what I do know is that I will never forget this time we’ve had together already- regardless of what happens next. There’s a lot of unknowns and yet a lot to be joyful over as a result.
And isn’t that just the most beautiful yet contradicting thing about something like this? The excitement amidst this uncertainty, that is. Yet, everything else we experience in life that even faintly smells like unpredictability is enough to make us cringe and run for our dear lives. Maybe not for everyone but for a lot of people- there is a huge weight of fear that comes holding hands with the unknown.
The mere conception of you is a mystery (and miracle) in itself. God carefully crafted you and continues to daily: knowing exactly how you will look, act, and feel for the rest of your life, while your father and I just have to take guesses until you arrive. You are fearfully and wonderfully made from His perfect hands, my baby. You were formed in my womb when HE declared you to be so- in His timing. Only He knows what is best for you.
Only He knows what you need.
Only He knows the mistakes and the sins you haven’t yet, but will, make in this life.
Only He knows your story.
And us? We can only pray for your health, your weaknesses, and your salvation. We can only do our best as God’s servants to be an example of God’s love for you, in hopes that maybe someday you will fully understand and accept that in your heart. We can only offer you wisdom and advice from what we know from His Word when you go through trials and doubts and unconfidence.
And only He knows the bliss that comes with all the uncertainty that is currently you, baby.
I hope you read this someday and understand, mostly, that the love we have for you- while still grand and never-ending- is a pebble to the ocean that is God’s love for you.
We try to run from uncertainties of our finances, careers, health…even from the uncertainties of our own feelings. In these cases, we often run away in fear and/or ignorance.
But we run towards the uncertainty of your life with joy.
Because you were made for such a time as this, my baby from God. Nothing changes that.
We can’t wait for you, baby Moeller.